Connecting with your Teen
Ever feel like your teen speaks a different language? You ask about their day, hoping for a genuine conversation, and instead, you're met with grunts, head nods, or a swift retreat to their room. If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. Many parents, across generations, experience this communication disconnect as their children enter adolescence.
This is a pivotal time when teens begin to forge their identity outside the immediate family, explore independent interests, and spend more time with peers. While this quest for independence is a completely normal and healthy part of development, it doesn't mean your child needs to feel shut off from their family. In fact, maintaining strong family connections during these years is crucial.
So, how can we bridge this gap? Here are some tips to help you better understand your teenager, build trust, and foster lasting connections.
Beyond the One-Word Answers: Asking the Right Questions
"How was your day?" While well-intentioned, this open-ended question often invites a one-word response, leaving you feeling stuck and your teen potentially feeling that you don't truly care. Let's shift our approach to encourage more meaningful dialogue.
Instead, try questions that invite a more detailed, yet still accessible, answer:
“What was the best part of your day?”
Don’t get me wrong, they may respond with a brief monotone “nothing.” Don’t give up. There is almost always something worth sharing from their day. It may take some prodding, you can even make it a playful challenge (ex. “Oh come on! Soooomething had to have happened today!”) You can even flip it and share something from your day, or offer some empathy and let them know that nothing has felt newsworthy of sharing for yourself. That leads us to the next one…
“What can I do today to make your day a little better?”
Again - “nothing” is an option here. However, by asking this, you demonstrate genuine care and a willingness to be flexible to support their happiness. Most parents want happy children and most teens want to be happy. This question offers a chance for connection as well. You might suggest a trip to the bookstore, pick a park for a walk, or even letting them choose what’s for dinner. Be earnest in this offer and try to show flexibility where you are able, or work to find a compromise. This goes a long way with anyone, and even your teenager will show appreciation for the effort in their own way.
Some requests may be impossible to meet (“you could buy me a new car”), but even these you can make more light-hearted as away to show your child you understand their desires and wish to connect with them.
Understanding Their “Now”: The Teen Brain
It can be challenging to listen to the teenage chatter of who is dating whom and why the two girls from the friend group are arguing… again. There’s a temptation to remind our teens that these things won't matter in a week, or that a dress matching for homecoming won't be significant a year from now. But here's the crucial point: They don't need to be reminded that it won't matter in the future; they need a reaction and understanding that it matters to them today.
Remember, the “right now” is often all the teenager’s brain can fully process. At the adolescent stage, your child’s brain is working overtime and undergoing significant development:
The Limbic System, which is the emotion and reward center of the brain in responsible for a teenager’s emotional reactivity. This explains the reason for their intense reactions to situations.
Meanwhile, the prefrontal cortex, the “thinking” part of the brain responsible for planning, impulse control, and considering long-term consequences, is still maturing and connecting with other areas. This means their focus and information management are still very much under construction. They literally prioritize immediate rewards and focus primarily on the "here and now."
Think back to your own teenage years. Recall the intense feeling of isolation when your parents struggled to understand what was important to you. The isolation of feeling misunderstood or unable to engage with the adults around you. This leaves a teen feeling the only option is the turn to their peers and this causes a greater divide from parents.
It’s Okay to Not Know (Their Lingo!)
Having worked with teenagers for many years, I can attest that the lingo changes constantly! I often joke with my teen clients about not understanding their "language" and needing a translation.
Next time your teen says “skibbidie” don't be afraid to laugh and genuinely ask them what it even means. Then connect it to some slang you used that your parents could never quite grasp.
See? We are more like our parents than we may think!
Remember: Consistency is Connection
Your child is not necessarily ignoring you when they “hide out” in their room or glued to their phone cycling through a dozen group chats. They are trying to keep up, to be included, just as we all did at this age.
Reach out to them, everyday. Consistency is paramount to building and maintaining communication and trust between a parent and their child. No matter their age.
