Teen Dating Isn’t Just Drama: What Parents Need to Know About Abuse, Consent, and Communication
When teen dating is more than what you think…
"Drama." For many, this is the first word that comes to mind when discussing high school adolescence and their budding dating experiences. It's true that frequent fluctuations in teen relationships are absolutely normal. This often relates to the ongoing development of their limbic system and prefrontal cortex. Teenagers are, at this developmental stage, naturally more impulsive, prone to emotional responses, and seeking instant gratification.
However, there's a critical distinction to be made between typical "drama" and genuine abuse within teen relationships. Supporting your teenager with open and consistent communication is crucial to preventing them from entering a cycle of abusive relationships, which can unfortunately begin at a much younger age than many parents expect. In fact, according to an article from George Mason University, a significant 26% of women and 15% of men who have been victims of intimate partner violence reported their initial experience occurred before turning 18. This abuse doesn't solely manifest as physical violence; it also includes verbal abuse, stalking, digital abuse, and controlling behaviors."
Four Types of Teen Dating Violence
Physical Violence
Physical altercations are often the first type of abuse we think of when discussing relationship violence. This can include any kind of hitting, kicking, pushing, and threatening with weapons. Violence is often not the first sign of abuse and control within a relationship, though it often presents as the most extreme. According to one CDC survey 10% of high school students reported they have been purposefully hit, slapped, or physically hurt by a dating partner. Some warning signs may include threats of causing physical abuse, as well as intended harm by other emotional and mental means.
Sexual Violence
Unfortunately, there continues to be an ongoing assumption that sexual violence and assaults occur by strangers, ranging from inappropriate touching without consent all the way to rape. However, estimates indicate that 8 out of 10 victims know the person who raped them, with perpetrators including acquaintances, family members, or current or former romantic partners with approximately 51% of females and 45% of male victims of rape were reportedly assaulted by a current or former intimate partner. Sexual violence is any sexual contact that is not consensual between each person involved, including when a partner is unable to consent (i.e. intoxicated or unconscious). Non-consensual sexual contact of any kind is a warning sign for significant abuse, including any physical touching, kissing, or sex. This also includes any pressuring or blackmailing someone to engage in sexual acts. Many teens are unclear on what consent means, which contributes to sexual violence in young relationships.
Psychological Aggression
Psychological aggression is any form of emotional or verbal abuse that is inflicted on another person. This can include verbal and non-verbal communication that is intended to control or manipulate a person or intend emotional harm on someone. Some examples of verbal abuse can include bullying like yelling or name-calling as a way to decrease a person’s self-image and create fear. This may also include manipulation and gaslighting, which we will discuss further in this post. Some of these verbal interactions may sound like belittling a partner, convincing them that they are unable to be in a relationship with another person, judgement of their looks, weight, or clothing. Many partners will even utilize tactics to minimize their abuse, such as statements like “don’t take things so seriously” or “I was only joking.” Often times this can be one of the most missed types of violence, this is mostly due to the microaggressions that often occur leading to ongoing dependency and decrease in self-esteem that often keep people in these types of relationships.
Stalking/Controlling Behaviors
For many people stalking and controlling types of behaviors can come across the least harmful to many adults, especially in the day and age of social media and constant connections with social media, however, it is also one of the most common forms of abuse in relationships among teenagers. Specifically, the National Survey on Teen Relationships and Intimate Violence (2016) found that about 48% of teens in relationships face stalking or harassment. One of the many struggles for this type of abuse is the ongoing minimization of it, as stalking and harassment often look like constant texting or calling, excessive commenting on social media, showing up uninvited, or demanding access to passwords and private messages. Other signs of control can also include attempts to discourage or restrict relationships with specific people, often times this will include friendships with people of the opposite sex in teens due to jealousy. Some may restrict the type of clothing their partner can wear or places they are able to go. This is often one of the first warning signs that other types may already be occurring, or are more likely to occur in the future.
Don’t Forget to Note Green Flags As Well
As important as it is to be aware of the red flags of an abusive relationship, it’s also important to discuss the green flags of a healthy relationship. These green flags include:
Respecting boundaries without pushback: an example of this might be if one partner is not ready to say “I love you” or advance in physical intimacy. A healthy relationship won’t have pushback if someone says they are not ready.
Encouraging interests and relationships: a healthy relationship will show recognition of their partner’s interests and encourage them in their wins, support them in their struggles. They will also show appropriate support to their partners relationships with their friends and family, they will have acceptance of the times they are not invited to join as much as they are excited when they do receive the invitation.
Communicating openly without manipulation: this means that there is obvious mutual understanding and respect within all communication. One person is not more or less likely to have their own wants and needs heard due to the power one partner holds within the relationship.
Taking responsibility and sincerely apologizing when wrong: it is not an empty apology as a way to maintain peace or to manipulate in their own favor, it is genuine and thoughtful when acknowledging their own wrongdoing or hurtful behaviors.
What Can You Do?
Talk! Talk! And then talk some more! When it comes to parents and their children, communication is an absolutely pivotal piece to preventing potential dangers. As discussed above, many teens are unable to define consent and this causes an increased risk to them being coerced or assaulted. Having in depth discussion about what is not acceptable in a relationship and even sharing some of your own possible experiences can support them in recognizing warning signs early on, choosing to remain abstinent to an older age, and having increased healthy communication with you as their parent as well as with a potential partner.
Educate yourself and your teen about the potential dangers in relationships and offer them information on the potential red flags of a perpetrator. as well as the potential green flags of a respectful partner. Give them examples of healthy communication, interactions, and expectations within a relationship, including the necessity for appropriate, healthy boundaries. Make sure to emphasize the importance of mutual respect and sharing emotions with a partner. You can use different media, such as songs, movies and TV to connect these types of abuse to specific examples. This allows a clearer understanding of what to look for.
Putting emphasis on consent and healthy boundaries in relationships is highly important in these conversations. Teaching your teen how to ask someone for permission and accepting their answer is as important as teaching them how to tell someone no. By teaching the skills of asking and accepting the response, the risk of sexual coercion and assault decrease through the education of understanding consent. Discussing boundaries offers important communication required in a relationship in order to meet certain expectations and have your needs met within a relationship, what is not communicated cannot be expected.
Finally, give your child the space to talk and connect with you without judgement! Let your teen know you are always there for them and that you will believe what they tell you. Disclosing abuse takes courage and requires significant trust. Avoid any accusatory language or skepticism as this may push them away. It is also important to avoid minimizing anything they may disclose as a result of their age or inexperience. Instead, offer them validation and empathy to exhibit your support and solidify your stance against unhealthy behaviors in their relationships. Along with this, it is important that the choice is up to your teen on how to manage their relationships, so it is important to avoid ultimatums or punishment based on their relationship status. It is not the victim’s fault for the abuse occurring, thus, any attempt of control from you as their parent could reaffirm their sense of shame, guilt, or self-blame for this type of treatment.
When needed, it is important to offer your teen resources for support outside of yourself. Therapy offers them a space to process these events, behaviors, and the continuation or end of these relationships. Some teens may experiences symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as a result of being a victim in these forms of abuse and professional support offers your child and you resources to moving forward.
Important Resources:
National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline is available at 1-866-331-9474
National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at 1-800-799-7233
Adolescents who have run away from home or are dealing with a personal crisis can call the Runaway Youth Program 24-hour information hotline at 1-800-371-7233
Love Is Respect is available by phone at 1-866-331-9474 or texting LOVEIS to 22522, they are also available in an online chat at loveisrespect.org
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